You know, ever since I started blogging in 2009, I wondered if I should write about her. I wondered if I could share this with you and if I did share it…how and when I would share it with you.
The how part is done by simply telling a story. Well...typing a story haha. All the other things I wondered about…well the timing simply wasn’t right for me.
I share a lot on my blog, but really personal things I don't share. Some things I share when the time is right. And this story…well there were two things I read the past couple of weeks that made me realize that I have to share this. The first time was when I read the beautifully poem by Melody, Theatre of the Night. The second time was a few days ago when I read a wonderful post from my Sweet Cher. Cher has a brilliant series of Characters in Her Life and how they left a mark in her life. Her latest Character post was about her cousin Patricia, who reminded me so much of a Character I knew as well. Can you recall the post, Lost Friends, where I wrote about how my neighbor influenced me with her long flowy hair? Most of my female characters have this element. However, there has been one lady who probably influenced me even more than I ever thought she did and more than she will ever know.
So…it is time to share a glimpse in my Past again. With the passing of my Grandad last year, I realized all over again how much impact an event like this can have. My Grandad wasn’t my first encounter with intense sadness though. The first one that really hit close to me was with her, my Aunt Sascha (pronounced as Sasha). Of course I have lost more people in my life, but most of them I barely knew, this doesn’t make them leaving Earth less meaningful though. It just changes when someone becomes an Angel who made an impact in your life. Sadly, sometimes you only find the hugeness of this impact when they are gone.
I looked up to her. She was a quiet lady with a dreamy glance that was her trademark. When she looked at you, with her grey/green eyes, it made you feel like she saw more in you than everyone else. In my eyes she was so lovely and pretty. She absolutely loved nature and animals. Next to that, she was a painter, a drawer and most of all a dreamer with a big love for everything Native American (anyone recall my love for feathers…hehe) and everything with a magical and fantasy touch. She had her own Imaginative World where she often wandered off too. Some blamed her for doing so and told her that she had to be more realistic.
She wasn’t my ‘real’ aunt. She was married to my mom’s brother, but even after the divorce, I kept seeing her as my aunt. She is the mother of my sweet cousin and she looks more like her mom as each day passes.
After the divorce, I saw her less and less and before I knew it years passed by and then the news came that she was sick. She got a rare and very aggressive form of cancer. A form that isn't common at all for someone as young as she was. I believe she was 33 or 34 and she underwent her treatment like a warrior. She got the clear sign, but after a few months she heard that the cancer was back and this time it was also in her bones. There was no hope, but she still went through the body destroying treatment and fought for her life. It was surreal to see her a sick body, but a mind that was still the same and eyes that still had that dreamy glance. It is a glance I will never forget. She fought harder than ever and even the doctors were amazed that she was still around, simply because her body was basically a corpse already. How strange is that huh?
Her illness rested heavily on my shoulders and it was the first time I really started to question things like “why do these things happen to people?”…"Why did she have to suffer so much"…"it is not FAIR!". There were days that I couldn’t cope with it. So I called in sick from work several times, because I would sleep so awful during the night and wake up crying. Luckily everyone at work understood it all and supported me in every way they could. However, I did not expect her illness and her death to have such a big impact on me. After all she already had been gone for many years right? Boy. I seriously underestimated the impact she had on me when I was little. The impact she still has now. She soared away six years ago and she would have been 42 years old today. Even when all hope was gone, she fought. Her will to live, her love for life, was truly remarkable and something I will always keep at the back of my mind.
Needless to say, it also changed me. For the better, but I did not realize this until a while ago. I started drawing a lot more around six years ago…six years since she is gone. Even though I was in a haze of sadness, I could tap into my imagination a lot better. I could visualize what’s hiding in my own imagination a lot better and I never let go of it again. Maybe it’s because I realized that there is more to life than what people tell you….maybe I started to realize that I wanted more out of life…maybe it's something else. All I know is that this was a major turning point for me.
Life is like a puzzle and it’s not the end result that matters…the pieces that make the puzzle matter. Finding and Clicking this particular puzzle piece with the others was saddening beautiful.
I know this wasn’t the easiest story to read, it definitely wasn't easy to write and it may bring memories of people you knew as well. It may leave you feeling a bit sad and if this happened feel a hug across the ocean or border…depends on where you life of course. I just wanted to shine a spot light on a lady who touched my life by just being her, who dared to live in her Dream World and who kept believing in her own strength and determination till her very last day. There are positive things hidden in events that may seem too sad or too disheartening at first. Remarkable people usually live right before our own eyes. This is something we mustn't forget.
One last thing…She loooooved Unicorns. So I felt I had to include an Unicorn illustration for her. Do enlarge it for better view and thanks for reading everyone!
